I love working from home. I don’t have to wear makeup, I can skip the bra if I just don’t feel like wearing one, and I get to set my own pace. But there’s one problem: I live with three cats. And none of them see the connection between their very expensive cat food and me sitting at my desk.
Cats are so sure they are a superior species, and they believe they are the most important thing in your life (not my human kid, mind you — just the cats matter). If I’m home, clearly I’m there to lavish them with attention. Here are the top ten ways they ruin my work day.
Face Bunting
I’m just sitting there, calmly typing away, and suddenly there is a cat in my face. Rubbing against my nose, pushing off my glasses because clearly I DON’T NEED TO SEE TO WORK OR ANYTHING. Not that it matters; the cat has now positioned himself so that I can’t see my scren at all. Guess I’m done for the day?
The Keyboard Bed
One of my cats likes lying on my keyboard. It’s particularly obnoxious since I’m a writer and suddenly in the middle of an article it says “ajlk;oiaweufqpowibhaslbnJ______jjb557’’. How the hell do you spell check that? And I don’t dare try to slide my hands under his belly to gain access to the keyboard. Because then he bites, obviously.
The Unblinking Stare
I’ll be in the groove, getting my work done, when I suddenly feel eyes on me. I look up and there’s one of my cats, just sitting there, staring at me. On a bad day, it’s all three of the jerks. What do they want? I swear I filled the food bowls! It’s incredibly disconcerting. How am I supposed to keep working with them staring malevolently at me like that?
The Desk Slide
I was on a call the other day when my youngest cat decided, “I’m going to jump on the desk for some love and affection!” But then he miscalculates the distance. While he managed the jump successfully, he then slid across my desk knocking both my phone and my keyboard to the floor. That’s a fun one to explain. “Oh, sorry, my cat is an asshole. I’ll call you right back.”
The Screen Chase
When we adopted one of our foster kittens this summer, I had no idea he was one of THOSE cats. You know, the ones that believe every screen in the house is another version of a laser pointer and the little arrow I’m moving across the screen is clearly prey and must be caught immediately! He’s knocked my entire monitor over twice.
The Leg Climb and the Butt Claw Sharpen
Maybe it’s because I’m fat, I don’t know. But one of my cats is convinced my lower half is actually wood of some sort. The number of times I’ve been innocently working only to have the cat climb my leg like a tree causing me to yell out words that start with F and end with UCK is too many to mention. Plus he thinks my butt is a scratching post. That’s fun. Not at all.
The Creep
This starts out adorably. My girl kitty loves me so much she wants to sit near me. Not so close that she interferes with anything, but in my view. This is when I post “my cute coworker!” snaps to Instagram. But, slowly but surely, she creeps closer and closer to me until she’s got her butt on my keyboard and her face resting on my boobs. Purring. It’s hard to resist, actually.
The Shoulder Climb
This one only happens when I’m video conferencing. Because there’s nothing more professional than having my cat climb up my body and perch on my shoulders. And naturally my flinching causes a massive digging in of claws so I shriek in pain. The intensity of the profanity that streams from my mouth in these moments may or may not have lost me a client.
The Litterbox Bomb
Normally I don’t really notice my cats making a deposit in the litter bank. But once in a while I’ll be working and suddenly the smell hits me right in the face so strongly I almost pass out. Maybe it’s two of them at once? I don’t know. But it’s ghastly and forces me to another room in the house for an hour. Super productive, cats, thanks!
The Cuteness
This is, by far, the most insidious cat behavior yet. They don’t do anything, in particular, expect be their usual adorable selves. They’ll sit in the chair next to me, and when you glance over, he will do that, “I love you, human!” face, and suddenly I’m right there petting them in their favorite spot and cooing nonsense to them. The worst.
I have no advice to offer to cope with these problems, except maybe get an office job. Just make sure it’s not a job with an office cat.
Image: dotpolka via Flickr
Oh, come on. Close the door to your “office” during working hours. Works for everyone else.
You just leave the room when your cat lays a big stinker? You don’t scoop it? It seems it would be more productive to clean the box and go back to work than to hide out in another room until the smell dissipates.
Seems to me that if you really needed to work you would just close the door to your office. Eventually they would go to sleep.
I have similar problems. Unfortunately the suggestions in the comment section are not useful, as there is no door to my office. The office is open to the rest of the house and no place to possibly put a door.
Someone help me my cat is an asshole. He climbs behind my monitor and meows basically to get my attention. And no, I don’t have a door to my office it’s a one bedroom apartment, with a living room open to my kitchen and hallway.