Why All Men Should Adopt Cats

In Bill Burr’s uproarious take on why men die younger than women, the Boston-based comedian shares his theory that some men drop dead after decades of “suppressing the urge to hug a puppy, admit a baby’s cute, say you want a cookie.”

“Alright, this is how it works with guys,” Burr says. “Any time you do anything remotely sensitive, heartwarming, anything that makes you more of loving, caring individual, immediately all your guy friends relentlessly mock you.”

If you’re a guy and you’ve thought about adopting a cat, this sort of thing has undoubtedly run through your mind more than once. “I’d love to adopt a cat,” you think, “but it’s not manly.”

Au contraire, my friend. Banish all those images of crazy cat ladies and your friends having a field day with your choice of pet, and remember that cats are essentially miniature tigers.  In fact, if you watch footage of tigers in the wild, they are a reflection of their smaller counterparts.  Alas, you can’t adopt a tiger. For one thing, they’re critically endangered. Also, they might eat you.

So a cat’s the next best thing, and rest assured — being a cat dad is manly. But that’s not the only benefit of adopting a feline friend. The perks are almost innumerable:

Man Cave Protection

Dogs sit, cats lounge. Have you ever seen a lion taking refuge in the shade of an acacia tree when the sun’s at its zenith over the African savanna? That lion is regal, majestic, and he’s manspreading without apology. Who better than your resident hunter to lounge with you in your man-cave while watching a big game or fight on TV? You’ll always have a buddy to watch sports with. Cats are territorial, and so are you. Protect the man cave.

They Inspire You To Exercise

People think you can’t walk cats like you can walk dogs. People are wrong. The main difference is that, with a cat, you’ve got to use a harness instead of a leash. But training cats to walk with you is surprisingly easy with a little positive reinforcement, and soon you’ll have a walking buddy — one who doesn’t stop every 15 feet to defile a street sign or fire hydrant.

Women Notice Cat Dads

About that walking bit: It’s a conversation starter. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right — women like men with cats. It shows that you’re masculine, but not a neanderthal. You’re capable of affection, and of taking care of a little one who depends on you. A U.K. study found that 82 percent of women said they’re more attracted to men who own cats — and that being a cat dad no longer had stigmas attached to it where women are concerned.

But it’s not just women who are intrigued. My neighbor’s kids were fascinated when they saw me walking my cat on a hot summer night. On another walk, I bumped into a guy who was flabbergasted to see a cat walking on a harness like a dog.

“I never knew you could walk them!” he said. “Man, I’ve gotta get a cat!”

When you walk your cat you’re not only getting exercise, you’re an ambassador for manly cat companionship.

A Cat Is Good For Your Health

People who own cats are a third less likely to die from a heart attack, according to the University of Minnesota’s Stroke Institute. That’s not sloppy science, either — researchers used data from 4,435 people and the study spanned a decade. Follow-up studies have yielded the same results, while other studies suggest having a kitten can help lower your blood pressure, relieve anxiety, and even boost the body’s immune systems.

Cat’s Show Selective Affection

Cats are man’s best friend. Dogs are great, but they’ll slobber all over anyone. Cats show affection in proportion to how much love you give them. If your cat thinks the world of you, that means you think the world of her.

This Father’s Day, the question isn’t “Should I adopt a cat?” It’s “Is there any valid reason why being a cat dad isn’t one of the most awesome things in life?”