How Cats See Christmas: By Jade the Cat

Ugh, the holidays. Between the sing-a-long carols and gingerbread-scented candles, ‘tis the season to hide under tables. The walls are cluttered with lights; miniature humans throw snowballs at the window (where are their humans?); to top it off, there’s talks of a man sneaking into the apartment in the middle of the night and no one is remotely concerned about it. It’s around this time of the year that I’d like to take the Polar Express to a remote location in Florida.

I should introduce myself: my name is Jade Sternbergh-Griffiths. While the humans are out shopping, I am typing this on ‘03 Nokia. How old am I? Well that’s a rude question. Just know I lived through enough holiday seasons to recognize humans will never get sick of Tony Bennet.

I’ve also noticed that the holidays makes everyone lose their catnip. The traditions are questionable, at best. Stand under piece of a branch and you must kiss the person next to you? Which creep started that trend? Put the chapstick back in your pocket and show some class. It’s almost as purrrplexing as placing a full-blown tree in the middle of the household. I’ll be the first to admit that this sounded like a great idea: a living plant all to myself, draped in shiny objects that are just begging to be gnawed and pawed. I was sadden to stumble across an article on how certain decorations, such as tinsel, can cause intestinal blockage…

Perhaps what makes this season stand out from the rest are the gifts. Humans not only love receiving gifts: they love giving them as well. Being someone that revels in leaving a nice squirrel head on the doorstep, I can relate. However, the neatly ribboned boxes presented by the humans never contain a worthy treat. How many watches, socks, and Jamba Juice gift cards can a person take?

On my list this year, the number one item would have to be wrapping paper.  We mousers enjoy sprawling across newly unrolled wrapping paper because it helps our bodies retain heat and we get pleasure from kneading on soft objects that crunch (much like bubble wrap). It also serves as a friendly reminder that we would like some attention.

Here are other items that would make my wish list:

-A one-hour brushing

-A lifetime supply of leaky faucets

– A four-course meal, in which all the meals are salmon

-A nationwide ban on the movie Air Bud

….but a new piece of string will suffice.

I don’t fully understand why the humans behave the way they do during the holiday season. Perhaps it’s the eggnog. Or maybe the cold weather. Or possibly, they’re overcompensating for the year-round omnipresence of cynicism, existential pressures, and economic despair.

Regardless, I let them have their joy. Sooner than later the Hallmark Channel movie marathons will end and I’ll be able to watch Matlock again. Until then, I will tolerate the festivities; as long as I don’t have to pose for a holiday card.

Happy Holidays,

Jade

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