Hey guys! You know about kittens, right? Yeah, you know, those tiny fuzzy beings who breathe life into this unbearably loathsome planet? Those wee bitty treasures, those sundrops from the heavens who make life worth living? The very sustenance of the human soul? Yeah, you know about kittens. Everyone with a beating heart loves kittens, unless you’re the actual worst, but not that many people ask themselves where they come from. And that’s probably for the best, because listen – as it turns out, cat mating rituals are just, terrifying.
Cat Mating 101 – The Birds and The Bees
As someone who prefers to believe that cats are impregnated by a glittering rainbow light shining down from the sky and into the wombs of expectant cat mothers (who are referred to as “Queens”, by the way! Isn’t that cute?), the realist in me knows this is not the case. In order to write this article, I needed to brace myself for some hard truths. The hardest truth being that, unfortunately, cats procreate the same way most mammals do – via the horrors of *deep sigh* intercourse.
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It’s true my friends. Cats get down and dirty to make those beauteous kitten babies. Not only that, but cat sex is especially brutal.
Teen Mom: Kitten Edition
First off, as some might already know, kitty boy parts are BARBED. Yeah, BARBED. As in like, barbed wire. They’ve got these insane little spikes all over their nethers which encourage girl cats to ovulate while they’re taking part in Satan’s hoedown. Yeah, that’s right, girl cats only ovulate WHILE they’re doing the nasty, thanks to the fact that boy cat no-nos are basically just like tiny baseball bats with nails sticking out of them, like a frick fracking HORROR MOVIE weapon. THIS AIN’T STRANGER THINGS, Y’ALL. Lord preserve me.
So, there’s that. But how old does a female cat have to be in order to be able to bring a precious litter of kittens into this world? TOO YOUNG, IF YOU ASK ME. Female cats can go into heat as early as 4 months into their OWN kittenhood. Babies havin’ babies, amirite? Speaking of cats in heat, if you’ve never experienced a female cat prepping herself for the amorous attention of a tom, I would consider you better off. I mean, have you SEEN a cat in heat? Rubbin’ all her cat parts all over everything? Backing herself up like a pick-up truck into literally everything? No sir, no thanks. If you’ve got yourself an unspayed cat, then prepare yourself for all the pre-babymaking nonsense that is going to inevitably ensue.
Let’s Meowvin Gaye and Get It On
But what happens, like, during kitty sexual relations? Sweet Jesus, I wish you hadn’t asked. It’s awful. It’s just, so awful. A male cat can sense when a female cat is in heat by smelling her urine (gross). When you’ve got two unspayed and of-age cats, they go to town in the worst way. The boy cat is all, “lemme do the thing!”, and the girl cat is all, “YEAH DO THE THING!” and they do the thing, and the girl cat is screaming because, you know, the whole spiked doodad thing, and it seems like it lasts forever because of all the screaming, and all you can do is plug your ears with your fingers and cry a lot. The male cat will also often “scruff” the female by biting down on her excess neck skin to keep her in one place while he does his SINFUL deed. Then, after all the unceremonious seed-planting has come to an end, both parties just peace out. No “that was nice”, no “I’ll call you later”, not even time for a post-coital cigarette. While most mammals partake in a modicum of affection before, during, and/or after the impregnating event, cats on the other hand are there to get the job done and that’s it. 100% instinct.
Afterwards, a male cat might even see fit to follow the female cat around for days afterwards in order to put a few more buns in the proverbial oven. Interestingly enough, female cats can have a litter of kittens with more than one male cat, meaning, a litter of 4 kittens may have up to 4 different fathers. Male cats know this, and if they know a female cat is in heat, they will try to ensure that whatever kittens she gives birth to will be all his. When those kittens are born, however, the father cat mysteriously disappears, never to be seen or heard from again. Typical.
So anyway, there you have it – the traumatizing tale of how kittens are made. Luckily though, we live in a world that has a surplus of kittens, making cat sex less of a necessity these days! That’s why it’s a good idea to always spay and neuter your kitties! You can try having “the talk” with them too, but I can guarantee that will be way less effective.